


TOSS

by ebrawatson



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A Week of Kagehina, Alternate Universe - Final Haikyuu Quest, Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Atsuhina Exchange (Haikyuu!!), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hospitalization, Hospitals, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, POV Kageyama Tobio, Pro Volleyball Player Hinata Shouyou, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29226252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebrawatson/pseuds/ebrawatson
Summary: kageyama wanted to be the only setter who sets for hinata, and he started to writing letters about this.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou & Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou & Miya Atsumu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	TOSS

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first english fanfiction. well, english is not my first language, i translated my own fanfiction from turkish with my close friend. if there any error please forgive me ♡ (thank u deren<3)  
> the real one is on my wattpad account. it is called 'toss | kagehina'  
> i really hope that whoever reads this enjoys, thank you for stopping by, your interest means everything to me!

‘’shoyo-kun.’’

hinata, turned his body to the direction of the sound with heavy movements and he started to walk to the net. inarizaki’s setter miya atsumu, just called for him.

‘’i’m gonna be setting to you, one day.’’

what the hell does that mean now? kageyama, frown down with what he just heard. ‘’i am the only setter, who will set for him.’’

miya atsumu, smiled calmly against kageyama’s voice sounded self-confident, turned his back and started to walk to his teammates’ side.

well, kageyama doesn’t even like this at all.

—

dear hinata,

or not, dear hinata THE WHO I WILL SET FOREVER.

frankly, i don't know how to say this to your face. although it’s a very ordinary sentence, when i try to tell you, i feel like all the blood on my face splashing on my cheeks, and i get very mad. i guess i can't accept it.

anyway, since i’m better at writing than speaking; i decided to put my feelings on paper. i look so devastated and stupid, not that i will give you the letters! not necessary.

fool, atsumu-san... NO. baka-sumu... will toss you on. MEH! my ass, i wonder how will he toss it? i think there are several issues that national team coaches should consider if they are thinking of passing to the other side of the net.

anyway, i will toss you to the end... and it could be sugawara-san, of course. but i am MOSTLY. i am.

the one who will pass you FOREVER.  
—

clumsy hinata,

what was that dunk? SILLY. you are such a fool, hinata.

i've never met anyone as incompetent as you. and don't you have to come and talk to me... you jump, well, but hell, HOW a person forgets to shoot.

silly. you're stupid, hinata.

anyway, if anyone else was me, he could NEVER stand you. i put up with your stupidity for being a great passer. if i'm not great, i'd give up too, and if it was atsumu-san, he would sure get tired of you, and he'll pass you on. MEH.

i’'m not tired. kageyama difference.

your ULTRA SUPER setter, who bears with you.

—

hinata,

today was the last day of school, so our ways are separating now.

you told me that you will go abroad, i don’t plan to go to university. i got a lot of offers, as you know, for being a GREAT setter.

i hope one day we will join the same team and i will set up a game for you again.

i think today i'm quitting writing letters. in the 3 years we played volleyball together, i wrote whatever i felt towards you and your dunks. now that we have parted our ways, i don’t intend to continue this either.

anyway.

of course, the one who will toss you again one day.

—

dear hinata,

you're coming back frankly, it excites me to see an old friend. i hope you will join the schweiden adlers, let's be that weird duo like in high school!

the other day, i thought of the picture you took with oikawa-san, you seem like you grew up. like you got taller. though it is again of the same hinata. i hope you don’t forget to dunk in the meantime.

in a year and a half, although we haven't interacted with you, i've thought about writing letters to you so much ... but the thought that this is a childish habit that doesn't go away. nicely, now the pen in my hand is acting faster than me and it’s spilling the things in my heart on paper. people would say their hearts and minds do not work the same, i would never understand this because my consciousness was only based on volleyball. i want to thank you for making this sense to me in your absence.

for a while, i read back what i wrote to you. i even thought about throwing it away. then i remembered that i only had them left to me from you.

you didn't know, even your soul didn't, but we have our memories in each of those letters. i have heard neither your voice nor seen you since you were gone. what did we look for each other; what we asked.

but you were always on my mind.

anyway, think about the idea to join these adlers. there is atsumu-san in the opposite team :)

with love and beautiful tosses in the future, kageyama.

NOTE: i hope i used the words correctly. my vocabulary is not very good, you already know it very well. even if you won't read it, i don't want to be disgraced by an old friend.

—

dear number 21,

i realized something today.  
when you defeated me, i still cannot name the indescribable emotion in me, i felt neither sadness nor anger. but no, that wasn't what i realized.

we looked at each other from different sides of the net for the first time in a long time. the first time in a long time, the first time i had so much fun. i never thought i'd miss playing against you. in fact, i never thought i'd ever look at you from the other side of the net again.

and hinata, i was disappointed today too. when i found out you signed up for Black Jackals, i guess i can swear an oath that i heard my veins beating one by one. unfortunately, some of the things that i was the most afraid of and that made me feel like throwing up even when i thought about happened.

words come true only when they are spoken, that was what my sister said.

she was right.

i can't say i didn't like your playing with atsumu-san. because i hated it.

number 20, hoping to be on the same side of the net as soon as possible.

—

to hinata,

it would never have crossed my mind that you would be dating atsumu-san.

i didn't think you were interested in men, but dating atsumu-san was a bigger shock to me, of course. misunderstanding, i respect your orientation, and my surprise is that we were together for three years and ... i didn't see any movement from you in that direction.

maybe i missed it.

after finding out, i sat down and ushijima-san about you. he just listened. what could he say, though?

i don't know why i cared so much, but actually i was a little jealous.

i guess i can't share you, hinata.  
who wants your happiness to end as soon as possible, kageyama.

—

hinata,

PLEASE.

I BEG YOU. do not share your selfies with atsumu anymore.

it hurts; i’m begging you to stop.

kageyama.

—

hinata,

you have been called to the national team. congratulations. be sure that you will be as good as this; i was sure more than you.

but that's not the point ... YEARS AFTER WE ARE ON THE SAME TEAM AGAIN!

i will toss you a lot... you will not get tired, i know, but in the end it will tell me 'kageyama-kun, enough! i will toss until it is said. i miss so much to toss you, hinata."

NOTE: not fantasy, misunderstanding!

the fact that atsumu is also in the national team is beyond question ... well. i will work harder and i will toss you more than him.

also, i unfollowed you. you guys’ photos also annoy me.

kageyama

—

hinata,  
i met yachi after a long time today. we spent time together as before. unlike you.

i remember laughing this much for the first time in a long time. after parting with yachi, i remembered how much i missed our high school years. i wish everything will become like old times.

but today, i will not tell you that. i'm going to tell you a little bit different.

i told yachi about you. i talked about how angry and nauseous i was seeing you playing with atsumu made me. contrary to my surroundings, she was the only person who did not find my actions childish and even listened with a smile. NOT FROM WHAT I TELL YOU TO EVERYONE!

she made a sentence to me like, "i was thinking when you would notice it too, it's been years." no i mean, i don't understand at all. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO NOTICE?

then she started explaining to me, because i did not understand. she said that the bond between us since high school was not like normal two friends. i also mentioned that we were partners. she smiled but did not approve of me.

she told me it was 'love'.

i cannot say that i am not surprised. but my grandfather used to say that love has different ways. she just smiled when i asked her about it. sometimes this girl does scare me.

the one who loves (?) you, kageyama.

—

dear hinata,

how are you doing? i watch your matches, it seems as if you are getting better every day, one step further away from me. whenever you score the smile that spreads on your face makes the people who are watching you and your match feel various things while that smile makes me miss you even more. when you smile, i miss so much to see the wrinkles on the corners of your squinting eyes and your cherry-red thin lips up close…  
if you ask me, i’'m fine. about a month ago i took a break from my volleyball career due to some health problems, but i do not miss any of my teams game and of course yours

i started taking diction and japanese lessons in both spiritual and material absence. i guess it's understood from the words i chose? i know there is a huge difference compared to my letters a few years ago. anyways, this is not our topic.

this letter business, which has become a routine every day, although it tires me, i never got bored, don't get me wrong. honestly, i will never get bored with you. well i also have doubts that there is a creature that is bored with you.

you are playing with atsumu really well. although i hate to talk about this, i guess bringing up these facts must be due to the maturity of my age ... anyway, i hope you two break up ASAP.

well, if i can introduce you to my new lover. i don't know its name, my doctors said something, but if i say its functions are in my mind rather than its name, it would be appropriate. haha, this was my dirty little pun. :)

anyway.

they tied a few cords to my chest, wherever i go ... it even listens to my heartbeat! i think it loves me very much. it never leaves me...

i wish you had never left my side.

i feel like i talked enough, anyway. no one is reading this; i am writing them alone.

like i said, i feel AWESOME. i withdrew from the fields for a while, as my fitness had dropped surprisingly and i felt like my muscles were loosening with every step i took. but when i come back, i want you to know that i won't be left behind you.

with love, kageyama and the machine that listens to his heart (yes, we chose the words together)

—

dear hinata,

today they decided to hospitalize me.

two months have passed since i quit volleyball, for some reason i got worse. maybe out of your longing.

anyway, my legs suddenly cramped last night. i swear to you i felt like dying...

but if you ask, i'm fine right now. i hope you are too.

today, akaashi-san and bokuto-san came to visit. they talked out of the blue, i did not talk much. when bokuto-san started talking about volleyball, akaashi-san began to pinch him. however, i was not sorry... i wish i could listen a little more.

i wanted to ask about you but i had neither the time nor the strength to ask about you. but bokuto-san talked about you a bit as if he read my mind. you knew... you wanted to come to my visit sometime...

everyone came, hinata. everyone was with me. except you.

but still i'll be watching your way.

i can no longer write my letters for too long. the muscles in my hand and arm began to burn with fatigue.

kags.

—

to 10,

my analysis came today. it was a genetic muscle disease which they call dystrophy. i think my grandmother had it, i don't know much because she lost her life before i was born. the doctors talked about this genre and general things, but i wasn't in a position to listen.  
they said first that i would lose my facial expressions. it wasn’t a big problem for me, after all, i don't smile much.

i never laughed after you were gone anyway.

then they said that it would slowly spread to my legs and finally to my arms. so i will not be able to continue this letter any longer.

because i can not hold it for long.

i wouldn't want my end to be like this. but i'm still waiting for you to come.

from 9.

—

10,

atsumu-san came to visit me today.

we talked a little bit about the past, a little bit about our rivalry. i haven't talked much again. but then i asked about you. he seemed to be waiting for me to ask, he immediately started talking about you.

as he was describing you, i studied his face a little. i think it made a little more sense for you to love him rather than me. at least he can smile.

is also kind to you...

still, i would like to feel your hands in my hands for the last time.

please hurry because i will never have the strength to hold your hand again.

9.

—

10,

it's been two weeks.  
i can’t eat properly. my already weak body became even weaker.

i can't even read what i'm writing right now. my hand is shaking so much that the letters are starting to get disgusting.

the only thing i can say is that i'm still watching your way.

9.

—

10,

we are at the end of the 4th week.

almost the whole team visited me...

i have never given up on you. neither in volleyball nor

—

10,

sorry.

my hands cramped while trying to complete the letter i wrote last week. i apologize for not continuing ...

i've been able to get neither pen nor notebook for a week. but now i'm a little better. at least i can complete this letter.

it's been a month, you still don't seem to be around and i don't have many visitors anymore.

i'm alone apparently.

there's no one behind me that i can toss.

9.

—

10,

day after day i feel more tired. i saw myself in the mirror today when I went to the bathroom with the help of one of the nurses.

I wish I hadn't seen it.

once in high school, i smiled at you. you told me it was so scary.

i guess that's why i don't like smiling.

what's the point if the only person i can smile to finds this awful?

9.

—

kageyama dropped the pencil he was holding between his fingers with the sharp pain he felt in his hand.

he could not feel the strength to call for help, while every breath he took was stuck in his muscles like arrows. his hands were shaking so much that after a while he could not see his hands clearly. if he could open his lips and shout a little, someone could come to his aid. his pain could be covered up after the necessary assistance.

but kageyama could not move his lips, neither shout nor call for help.

his whole body was trembling when the poison, which was circulatitg in his muscles, started to spread to his arms and then to his whole body. the notebook and pen lying in his lap could not stand this movement and met the ground. his eyes shut tight. it was not the first time. such muscle spasms had increased in the last few weeks, a situation he was accustomed to after all.

of course, this could not change the fact that he was hurt a lot. he squeezed himself a little more when the warm liquid running down his cheeks began to drip onto his white dress.

why was nobody coming?

he wanted to cry loudly. he wanted to relieve his pain.

he didn't want to suffer any more.

his whole life had slipped from their hands, his hands were not as strong as before. he had lost what he cared about most in his life.

rather, two things.

he had to quit volleyball first. he thought he would return after a short while, but the situation he was in was not easy. he was gradually collapsed, weakened, and lost control of his body.

on the other hand, there was no hinata now, who did not leave for a moment during the three years they were together. said he would come, so why did it take so long? why was the path that hinata walked so long?

if this were to happen, he should have followed his own path. however, the only thing he could think of about it was that he wanted to take the shortest path. it was like the best to complete this road as soon as possible and find peace.

he could not reconcile himself with his thoughts. when this pain, which burned his body, brought him to the brink of fainting, his ears started to roar. he was isolated from the environment he was in, he could neither hear the sound of the opening door nor the footsteps of the people entering the room.

but at that moment kageyama felt one final warmth before he was unconscious; a small, warm pair of hands enveloping their trembling hands.

"i am here, kageyama. took a little long. ''

—

"he woke up!"

moving his head restlessly on the bed he slept in, kageyama smacked his mouth and tried to lift his heavy eyelids. his head was like a stump, he wanted to hold it and was attempting to raise his arm. but kageyama couldn't feel his arm.

perhaps he just felt tired.

when he was fully awake at the end of the last seconds, he tried to open his eyes once more. must have been successful, the intense sun beam seeping in from the window next to him caught his eyes. he closed his eyes with a sudden reflex and turned his head a little to the right. ‘at least my head is in place.’

he felt the movement in the room, but he could not see who he was. they were probably one of the nurses, the last thing he barely remembered was someone calling out to him. when he concentrated a little on what he heard, he thought for a moment that this voice, which clung to his memories, was hinata. for a moment, kageyama thought hinata was here.

but that was impossible. they had not seen each other for months; allegedly, hinata wanted to come to visit kageyama. hearing even the h of hinata caused kageyama's nasal burns and he did not want to think about it further.

twenty-four already had in his mind, how much more could he think about it?

he listened to the room where he slept. of course, there was someone with him, but he still didn't know who they were, kageyama. still, this jasmine flower scent filling her nose was familiar from somewhere. very-

"kageyama?"

unlike the warm room they were in, it was as if a wave of cold air enveloped the whole room; he felt a bitter cold in his bones, he was frozen. his eyes and nasal spine started burning in contrast to this situation, and his ears seemed to not want to admit what they heard.

while the fear he felt to the bottom took over kageyama's body, he unwillingly opened his eyes and turned his head to the sound from the left. he was there, with the sun behind him, and though a dark shadow fell on him, it was still glowing as usual. his orange hair was a little shorter but still messy. the bright almond-colored eyes, which kageyama loved to look at, were gone, and they were replaced by cold, bloody eyes with dark circles under them. his thin lips  
were filled with small but deep crevices as if they had been repeatedly bitten, trembling along with his breath. after all this time, hinata had changed a lot. he seemed to have lost weight, not looking very healthy. still, something was still the same in him. the naive jasmine fragrance, unlike any other, surrounded the room where they were. kageyama slid his teeth firmly into his lower lip to hide his hiccups.

his beloved hinata, which he watched his way, was now standing in front of him, calling his name. he wanted to open his lips, say something. he wanted to stand up and hug him tightly. but you know, goddesses of destiny are cruel. as you struggle, they sit in front of you and continue to knit that huge ugly sock. they use the ball of yarn they hold in their hands in the worst way to the end, until it's time to cut. at that moment, kageyama could not find the strength to open his lips and say the words he had hidden inside nor to stand up from where he was lying and hug hinata.

hinata put a light smile on his lips, as if he were reading his mind. he gently caressed the thin hand he held. ‘’i know, it took a long time.’’

this was the last point for kageyama. the tears he barely hid, and the sobs that were hidden in his throat when he started running down his cheek, the tears got out of there, ran out and bounced on the walls. he was crying loudly. his mind was confused. could he be dreaming? it is more fear than imagination. "why are you crying?" when the cracking voice of hinata filled his ears, he drew his eyes from him and stared up at the white high ceiling. he kept sobbing for a while, and when he could calm down, he swallowed with all his might, of course how well it worked was discussed. ‘’where have you been all this time?’’

“i didn't want to appear like this.” kageyama understood what he was talking about, so he didn't feel the need to ask. he did not know what made hinata so sick, but he knew that if he wanted to tell him he would not be silent until the morning, so he could not do it. dtill what he said seemed ironic to him, was that the whole reason?

"if only you hid a little longer." his eyes went into their two hands. hinata was covering one of kageyama's hands with both hands and stroking it with his thumb. he frowned, neither irritated nor felt this contact between them. even though he liked it, he wanted to take his hand away from there. if he could raise his hand, he would definitely pull. ‘’you would come to my funeral.''  
these two words he spoke with laughter filled hinata's eyes as he did not turn his gaze to the orange-haired boy. although he missed it, this could not change the fact that he was angry with him. first, he had been dating his atsumu, then he had formally abandoned him when he needed it most. how long his heart could be broken, he didn't know.

‘’if you don't want to, i'll never come back. ''

"you left me no choice."

"i was not mentally ready to see you that way, even the thought of you being sick overwhelmed me." he swallowed. he bowed his head and looked at their two hands. "tell me, kageyama," he swallowed when he realized that kageyama had turned his head to him. "can you feel me touching you?"

as the question he asked broke kageyama's heart once again, he raised his eyebrows and started to run his eyes over both of them. could he feel maybe their senses were damaged by the drugs. though he knew it would happen someday. it hurt only hurt at this early time, not being able to feel someone who came so late touch him.

"i didn't ask as physically."hinata looked up at kageyama's dark blue eyes. as the eye colors of the two mingled, hinata parted his trembling lips once more. ‘’can you feel my touch with your heart?''

physical contact, contrary to popular belief, is not that important. sometimes, we take such people into our lives that we feel them whether we can touch them or not see them. the important thing is to be able to touch the other person's heart, rather than having weak skin contact. hinata wanted to ask that too. a thick barrier had entered between them now, they were playing extensions. kageyama closed his eyes as his cold hand was between his warm hands. maybe he didn't want to answer, maybe he was too resentful to answer. after not too long, kageyama opened his eyes again and made eye contact with hinata. he parted his cracking lips. ‘’it's been a long time since you touched my heart.''

—

a month and a half had passed since hinata's visit.  
during this period, hinata had begun to stay with kageyama as his companion. on weekdays, while he was dealing with kageyama, he was returning home on the weekends. well, kageyama to the place where they lived with atsumu did not like to call it the house of hinata.

during this one and a half months, kageyama's muscle spasms increased and he could not sleep at night. after hinata's visit, he lost control of his first facial muscles and left his left arm paralyzed.

now kageyama could neither smile nor eat nor speak. instead, hinata seemed to devote his whole day to talking and puffing up kageyama's head. from waking up to going to sleep, hinata would tell all kinds of stories, laugh at himself, get angry or cry. kageyama only listened.

besides these, he and the two of them were better than before, he would call hinata at least four times a day and talk on the phone for hours. hinata would always apologize and leave the room and leave kageyama alone. ‘i could get used to it,’ he would love to say. but this was the heart, he couldn’t get used to it. he felt heartbreaking every time he saw hinata, his lungs tightening. he could neither open his mouth and tell him that he had to go nor wanted him to stay.

he also knew that he had very little time now, and he knew that the reason for this weight sitting inside, like tons, was that he could not keep his promise to himself and to hinata. 

after their matches with inarizaki, atsumu's "i'll pass you one day." as his expression brought to light kageyama's deepest desires, he wanted to make a promise, just like atsumu. regardless, he would be the only setter to face and toss to hinata from the same side of the net.

but now the facts were like a slap in the face. it was obvious who stood in his promise, who hinata chose, and they were in this state. kageyama hated to lose. especially the things he loved... now he had neither hinata nor that volleyball career he loved dearly. he had lost everything he had.

hinata, with his phone in his hand and flushed cheeks, entered the door and closed the door behind him. he placed both hands on his cheeks and sat on the end of the bed where kageyama was lying. "uh, it took a little long."

kageyama was momentarily grateful for losing his facial muscles while maintaining his usual silence.

‘’what would you like me to tell you today, kageyama?''

—

things had started with kageyama’s fall to the floor as he tried to go to the toilet.

now kageyama, hinata, and the two doctors stood in silence in the room covered with white walls. the doctor, looking slightly larger than the other, took a step forward and leaned slightly. "good morning, kageyama-kun. we're going to do some tests with you today.''

no one expected kageyama to answer, yet the doctor looked for a few seconds at the young man's sunken and weakened face. then, asking for some supplies from the younger doctor, he came to kageyama's bed and gently peeled off his duvet.

"this needle you see in my hand," he lifted the tiny and hard to see thin needle in the air towards him. "i will run it on your leg. i know it will be difficult for you but can you use your right hand to let me know if you feel it? i don't want you to exert too much force.'' again, he glanced with his kageyama for a while and started rubbing the needle in his hand on his thin leg, as if with his approval.

the other doctor was observing the two and kageyama's right hand, making notes on the secretary file she was holding. hinata, on the other hand, made eye contact with kageyama tensely, cursing this uneasiness that collapsed into his heart.

holding a needle in his hand, the doctor slowly turned his gaze to kageyama's right hand. there was no activity. wetting his dry lips, he slowly inserted the needle in his hand into kageyama's leg. as blood started to gather around the tiny hole opened by the needle, he turned his gaze back to kageyama's hand. kageyama was neither moving his hand nor doing anything.

“kageyama-kun, can you move your hand, whether you feel it or not?” he lightly tapped his index and middle finger on the bedspread several times. hinata saw an unusual situation in kageyama's finger movements. one long, one short, three long.

"i didn't know you knew the morse code, kageyama-kun." the doctor put a small smile on his lips as he got up from his bed. "thank you for contacting me, i hope i didn't tire you."

he leaned forward slightly and then turned to hinata. “can you come to my office half an hour later? hinata shook his head and watched the two doctors open the door and go out of the room. after looking behind them for a while, he pulled the chair against the wall next to kageyama's bed and sat down with his hands on his knees. "today i will tell you about natsu."

kageyama seemed to have a vague recall of natsu, she was very similar to hinata. he was sure that she had not changed over the years relative to her. he smiled sincerely, though his lips could not move.

"natsu plays in niiyama joshi. you should see your dunks! just like mine, bam! no... bang!''

while hinata enthusiastically described his sister and her volleyball skills, kageyama recalled that niiyama joshi was a strong women's team. hinata's sister should have been really good since she played as an ace in such a team.

‘’but she's not as lucky as i am.'' hinata put his hands waving in the air back to his knees and smiled in a way that made kageyama feel the warmth on his bones. “i had you so i could watch the view behind the net. i wish you could toss me a little more.’’

—

around four o'clock in the morning, kageyama tobio woke up in sweat.

he was relieved of his light sleep while the pain he felt in his body caused a shock to him. he felt the warm liquid running down his cheeks as his body trembled with the spasm he had experienced.

as his tears soaked his white pillow, hinata straightened up on the sofa where he was sleeping in a sitting position and quickly got up. "kageyama?! are you okay?''

kageyama, curling in pain, turned his expressionless but equally tearful eyes to hinata. “what's wrong with you?” quickly gripped kageyama's weak and cold hand as his trembling voice echoed on the walls of the room. rested his forehead on his chest. "relax, okay? please relax, i'm here. i'm here, i'm holding you.''

kageyama kept trembling helplessly as hinata's words hid behind his hiccups. as the tears poured grainy on the white dress of the body with his hand grasping, he prayed to all the gods he knew. ‘’i got you, you're fine.''

as the tears of the duo were constantly shedding, kageyama's increasing trembling caused hinata to retreat in fear. he continued to cry before releasing kageyama's hand. 'kageyama, please stop. don't pity your heart.''

kageyama wanted to get power from the little hand whose existence he could not even feel. for the last time he wanted to feel the warm hands of hinata.

hinata couldn’t bear this situation and left kageyama's hand and ran out of the room. his tears still did not stop as he arrived with several nurses seconds later.

he crouched beside kageyama's bed and put one hand on his hair and began to caress. he murmured as his muffled hiccups did not cease. ‘’there... i held you, there.'' 

he closed his eyes as he clamped his free hand to kageyama's left hand. kageyama's physical pain tried to swallow the urge to shout as he inflicted on hinata. he knew from the very beginning that he was not ready to see kageyama in such pain, but he kept himself and him too busy. the night he came, he hated himself for every minute he left him alone, while those bitter words of kageyama stuck like arrows into his heart.

kageyama didn’t want to feel this feeling any longer as he felt the pain at their peak. if he were in his hand, if his feet carried him, he would go to the edge of the window and leave his body down without thinking. they always judged suicide, people who committed suicide. for him, to end your suffering with death was nothing but selfishness. you always leave the people you love behind you, and this was the lexical meaning of selfishness according to kageyama. but he was very tired of suffering in response to these thoughts.

it was as if the feeling of grief and remorse in his whole body combined, he hated the cause of this weight that hovered in his chest, squeezing and squeezing his heart. he hated this pain that took away everything.

while one of the nurses was holding kageyama's trembling arm, another was preparing the needle in his hand. his old and aged deep blue eyes wandered over hinata's face. he wanted to engrave every inch of his face in his mind, but it was obvious that the more he looked at the beautiful face before him, the more his pain was multiplying.

ultimately, one of the nurses shot a dose of the needle in kageyama's arm, while hinata continued to caress kageyama's long black hair, which he hadn't cut for months. “it has passed.” he placed a warm smile on his little face, washed by tears. "did you see it, kageyama? it passed... i'm here. my way took too long. '' he closed his eyes full of regret and let the tears take a path from his cheek to his chin. "it took too long, i apologize so much." kageyama, who was crying quietly with him, couldn’t speak to his heart. he wanted to open his lips and say that it was okay, the important thing was that they are now together. although there was only an atsumu in the huge heart of hinata, although there was no place for kageyama in his cozy world, he wanted to voice his words.

as hinata grasped the cold hand he was holding more tightly, he realized that kageyama's body was not shaking as before. even though the weight that had collapsed to his heart didn’t go away, he felt that he was relieved. at last he would be able to sleep without pain and holes.

he sniffed and stretched his head and put a mist through his best friend's hair. the nurses returned to hinata while cleaning the supplies. “this needle will numb him. he can sleep painlessly, at least until the morning.'' hinata nodded and watched the nurses leave the room. when the door was closed, he returned to sleepy kageyama. he smiled wisely. ''have you heard? painless sleep...''

this was something that kageyama wanted for a long time. a peaceful and painless sleep. while longing for this, he didn’t prevent the heavy eyelids.  
hinata pulled the hand in his little palm to his lips and kissed it slowly but long. sighing, he took his eyes for a stroll on kageyama's pale face. ‘’sleep well, kageyama." he let the tears leave the fountains for perhaps the thousandth time.

at that moment kageyama felt something else he had longed for a long time. when hinata's dry lips touched his paralyzed hand, feeling the warmth spreading first to his hand and then to his body, he opened his heavy eyelids, and he realized that his burning eyes were getting wet.

kageyama, whom the miracle turned and found, smiled wretchedly as his last wish was fulfilled, and unable to resist any more, he left himself in the arms of a deep and peaceful sleep.

it had been a long time. it had been a long time since he felt so warm.

hinata blinked at what he saw. he thought he had just witnessed kageyama smiling, even smiling for the first time in the three years they spent together. for a moment he thought he saw kageyama's warm little smile. later, as the fact that it would be impossible happen breaking hinata's heart from the deepest, he leaned his cheek against kageyama's chest with tears and fell asleep listening to his heartbeat like a lullaby.

that night, hinata had a dark dream. he waited for the toss to dunk in the cold gym, ignoring his trembling body. minutes and hours passed. people, teammates and officials left the hall. the lights went out, but no one tossed to hinata.

—

as the sunbeams seeping in through the window burned his exposed arm and cheek, hinata stretched and awoke from his sleep.

he had difficulty opening his swollen lids, probably because he cried a lot last night. he lifted his head from kageyama's chest and looked around. despite the sun outside, the coldness that descended into the room made hinata shiver and he got up from his chair and spread the red blanket on his shoulders. he sat back in his chair and waited for kageyama to wake up. kageyama usually woke up before hinata. this was a bit of a shame for hinata, as he was sure he was sleeping in a messy and a horrible way.  
he waited for minutes for kageyama to wake up. in a way, he was happy that he was sleeping because he knew he hadn't had a healthy sleep for a long time. he would wake up repeatedly at night, suffer from muscle pain for hours and then fell back to sleep. this body, which was decaying in front of hinata's eyes, had been a guest of his dreams in the last few months, but also began to lose sleep.

after five or ten minutes, hinata thought something was wrong.

he pulled his hand as he put his hand on his forehead covered by kageyama's hair. despite his usual cold body, he was cold now, like the body of a deceased. hinata held his trembling breath. he might have been cold, he was always cold after all.

though he was cold, he covered the blanket on his shoulders and moved up to the closet in one corner of the room. he took the quilts he brought with him from the shelf one by one in case he got cold at night and started to cover them over kageyama.

but despite all the duvets, kageyama never got warmer. on the contrary, he got colder and turned pale.

when hinata's lip began to tremble, he leaned his ear to his chest in fear. for a while he searched for kageyama's healthy and beating heart. it was like looking for a pinhole in the middle of nowhere, for minutes hinata searched for kageyama's beating heart.

with his trembling hands as his eyes began to fill, he grabbed kageyama's icy arm and began looking for his pulse. with each passing second, as the coldness in kageyama's body touched hinata, he could not take it any longer and fell on his knees with the blurred vision.

maybe if he could find some more blankets, he would get warmer. this time he would find his heart, maybe he would put his head again and fall asleep to the beat of his heart.

but you know, when the goddesses of destiny were finished knitting their socks, they would take off their big and ugly scissors and cut the thread. you could never sew the end of that yarn where it left off, nor could you take off the sock and sew it from the beginning.  
hinata, accompanied by hiccups, was running to a closet in the room next to a kageyama. as he forgot the number of blankets he threw on him, he began to scream and cry with the weight of the body that did not heat anyway.

his feet fell on kageyama and his face over the cold and motionless body, while he could no longer carry him. this indescribable pain in his heart devoured him as he wrinkled the white coat of kageyama in his palm. ‘’kageyama, please wake up. ''

he searched for kageyama's hand on the bed as her hiccups mixed into the air and warm tears into the dress he was covering. when he finally found his hand, he gripped it tightly and took it from under the duvet to his lips. maybe if he kissed his hand again, he could see the smile he vaguely remembered. hinata kissed kageyama's hand many times, his tears washed his cold hand and lips, but neither did he smile nor the cold air in the room vanished.

with the pain spreading to his chest, he leaned his forehead against the still chest of kageyama as the truth slap his face once again. he wanted so much, he wanted to listen to his heart beat for the last time. he wanted to warm his increasingly cold body, to turn his friend's purple lips and face back to life. he got up from his seat, and with his trembling legs, he dragged himself further. he sat on the other end of the bed on which kageyama was lying and placed his head close to his bosom and gathered his legs. he wrapped one arm around kageyama's cold and thin body and moved a little closer to him. as he blew his trembling hot breath into his bosom, he closed his watery eyes and tried to warm kageyama for the last time.

—

he leaned his weak ankle against the wall as his body slipped down on the hospital wall, on which he leaned his back, but his wrist didn’t carry him. his hips touched the floor of the cold hallway, pulling his trembling legs to his chest and resting his forehead on his knees.

life was even more unfair than it seems. who was turning this world, all these things, he had no idea, but he wanted to kick in the face of that person or people.

a young boy in his 20s. he is a very successful setter who has devoted his life to volleyball, perhaps the only thing he loves in this life. a respectful teammate, a son, a brother, hinata's first and last partner. after kageyama, calling someone else a partner didn’t suit his mouth at all, and it was not. he had worked with other setters as well, but none of them could give him the pleasure of playing with kageyama. atsumu was at least as successful in his field as kageyama. but unlike kageyama, hinata loved atsumu only as his life partner. for him he was just a special person whom he fell in love with. kageyama has always been a different person for hinata. he was not his first friend, but he was his first partner. he felt his special moments, his firsts, the joy of winning, the sadness of losing with kageyama.

they had not been in contact much after their last years. if you ask someone from the outside, kageyama for hinata was a nice and warm memory from his high school years. however, the situation was very different for hinata that collecting tons of special memories over the years with someone like kageyama could not be described as an ordinary high school memory.

it was only fifteen minutes, maybe more, since the officials had arrived, picked up kageyama and took him to the morgue. for hinata seemed to have lost the concept of time, the minute hand wasn’t moving. with his hands shaking when he was alone in the room, he had opened the phonebook on the phone screen he could barely see and dialed yachi's number. without needing to say anything, the young girl who heard hinata's hoarse hiccups told him to wait for her, stay calm, and come immediately. hinata was listening to her now, on his knees, crying silently without anyone hearing.

as the footsteps echoing in the empty hallway intensified, hinata lifted his heavy head and blinked his wet eyes and met the yachi rushing towards him. the blonde girl was not much different from him either, as she probably cried along the way, because certain parts of her under eye and milky-white face were red.

as the yachi closed the distance between them and filled her arms around the trembling body of hinata, the two friends started sobbing in the position they hugged. while caressing hinata's messy hair on the one hand, she also grabbed hinata's hand with her free hand. they cried together for a while, their sobbing and screaming struck the empty walls of the empty hallway.

then yachi slowly left hinata. hinata turned his blushing face into the beautiful face of his friend. seeing hinata in such a miserable and dispersed state, while yachi thought her tears were running out, made her eyes refill. she wrapped both hands on the boy's cheeks and wiped the tears with her thumbs. “don't cry anymore, hinata. he would never want to see you like this.’’

the words she spoke burst into hiccups once more, reminding hinata that kageyama is gone and won’t come again. yachi put her left hand behind hinata's head and drew her friend to herself. as hinata's forehead rested against yachi's warm neck, the presence of a living person gave him a little relief, but he continued to cry with the surreal pain he felt.

about half an hour later, the tears subsided, hinata was sobbing inside, his wretched and tired body leaning against yachi. while yachi's sadness was doubled by kageyama's seeing hinata after the news of the pain, an old memory appearing in her memory injured her broken heart further.

inevitably, she remembered the two fighting in their early years, yachi. she felt how worried she was, the broken heart of hinata and the loneliness of kageyama once again with all her cells. when she felt the warm body of hinata placing his weight on her shoulder, she leaned the back of her hand against his forehead. he had a fever.

‘’how about lying down and relaxing somewhere, hinata?'' hinata shook his head as his crying voice echoed in the empty hallway.

whenever he closed his eyes, kageyama's cold and motionless body came before his eyes. the tension he felt was affecting his heart and stomach, and each time hinata seemed to feel the panic attack coming on. he wanted to remember kageyama in his most beautiful and special form, so sleeping for a while was out of the question for him.

‘’if you blame yourself, i'll be very angry with you.''

yachi's sentence made him think and turned his gaze to his shoes. was he blaming himself? exactly. it was not the cause of all this, but it was too late. he thought that if he could go a little earlier, he could have prevented kageyama from cooling down that much. "i don't see any reason not to blame myself."

yachi blew her breath out in distress. ''hinata, this was not something you did on purpose by visiting kageyama late. people who see someone else's death cannot survive it for a long time and it is not healthy for them to be in the same environment with people with the slightest illness. you did the best for both of you. if you went early one day, you might not be able to bear this state of kageyama and leave him. if you were late one day, maybe you would be late this time. everything happened as it should be.''

hinata got goosebumps when he recalled one of the most painful memories of childhood and the owner of the biggest wound in his heart. life seemed to give him not a lemon, but a dead body to find. he swallowed loudly.

while they were sitting in the hall like this, the middle-aged doctor who came to control kageyama a few weeks ago shuffled his feet and approached them. it was obvious that hinata was unable to say hello, so yachi greeted the doctor who came.

‘’hinata-kun, first of all, i’m sorry for your lose.'' hinata wiggled as the sentence he heard once again seemed absurd to him. seriously, how could his head survive in this situation? “kageyama-kun held out to the end, but the end of pain was inevitable.” he crouched on his knees, as if to express his sincerity and optimism, and stared at hinata with his wrinkled brown eyes. ‘’while we were cleaning up his room, one of our nurses found this box under his bed.''

while holding the old shoe box in his hand, hinata looked at the box first and then the doctor. he parted his lips, asked, "is this his?" but he was left with him thinking that he was asking because he couldn’t make a sound.

he wrapped his little hands in the box and took the box from the doctor's hand. he did not know what would come out of it, but one thing was sure that whatever was in this box was the last thing left to hinata, from kageyama. he brought the box close to his chest and hugged it tight. in his middle age, the doctor, whom he remembers his name as takeda, sat up on his knees and turned tenderly to hinata. ''remember that hinata-kun a person’s life does not end when that person dies. a person's life ends when they’re forgotten, and i have no doubt that kageyama-kun will live forever thanks of you.''

yachi stared after the man as the doctor strides away from the pair. hinata, on the other hand, could not say stop to this hopeful sapling growing in the face of what he heard, and he had already started to drop his tears on the cardboard cover of the box.

“after the doctor's word, there is something i want to tell you.” she smiled big as she closed her thin hands to those indistinguishable from her own. "we are selfish enough to think that we are alone in the huge universe, but i can tell you that you are with kageyama at a separate time from here, at a separate station."

hinata looked at yachi in surprise. he was confused. ''what do you mean?''

yachi continued to smile affectionately. “time is not something that travels in a linear fashion like a ray. it is also very difficult to say what it looks like. that's why i'm sure time is broken in different places.'' she squeezed the strand of blonde hair before her eyes behind her ear. “although it is not scientific, i believe that we live in completely different lives. what i said is that i am sure that contrary to the flow of time we are in, you and kageyama are still together, on the same net side. in a completely another life, i'm sure you're watching each other's back and somewhere out there kageyama still tosses you.''

as hinata's eyes glowed for the first time in a long time, yachi could not stop her eyes being filled with the sight she saw. hinata, with his red cheeks and a smile on his lips, uttered the words that warmed his inside. "in a completely different life."

—

he closed the door behind him and left the keys in the coat rack. he dragged his tired body into his room and when he reached his bed, left the box in his hand on the cover. slowly, he sat down on his bed, his back meeting the linen apparently had just been washed. he had no atsumu at home, so he could take advantage of this opportunity to examine the box while alone. he straightened up where he lay and gathered his legs on the bed, holding the box in his lap. he filled his lungs with a deep breath and opened the cardboard lid of the box.

inside the box were a lot of envelopes more than the number of his fingers. some were worn, old and dusty. some were newer and more robust. looking a little more carefully, he saw that the envelopes had history on them.

he poured out the envelopes from the box on his bed and began to sort them in the order of their dates. while the months and days of the envelopes starting from 2012 continued one after the other, after a while the dates started to open up. hinata wondered if these envelopes, which he did not know what was inside, were missing or whether the envelopes were suspended for a while.

the last envelope was from two to three months ago in this one. he breathed nervously and took the first envelope. it was probably the dusty and oldest of all, he opened it with great naivety without causing harm.

a paper fell from inside, to hinata's knees. with his little hands he opened the folded paper. the letter, which begins with "dear hinata," tried to prevent tears in order not to wet the paper as hinata's almond eyes burned blazingly.

at first, although the letters made hinata laugh, it felt a little more painful with each letter, the fractures of her heart crumbled a little more. kageyama's jealousy of atsumu, his conversation with yachi and the feelings he called love caused hinata's stomach to contract while he started to cry when he read that he was scolded for being late. each word of kageyama further multiplied the pain in hinata's heart. not being able to recognize his best friend's feelings, not being able to look at him that way, and most importantly, leaving him alone made him hate himself a little more.

atsumu did not come home that day. he knew that his boyfriend needed to be alone, so he spent the day with his brother, commemorating kageyama. kageyama's death had wounded atsumu just like everyone else.

hinata eventually read the last letter but did not shed his last tears. he quickly got up from his bed and sat down at his desk. he picked up one of the pencils in the pen holder and opened the door of the lower cabinet. he pulled out one of the tons of blank paper that stood inside and placed it on his desk. he took a deep breath and, resting his pen on the paper, he wrote the name that made each letter hurt.

‘’dear kageyama and his dusty letters...''

—

''ah! that's heavy!''

a little boy with orange hair barely carried the gold trophy he was holding, while someone else came and took it from him. he looked at the person who took it, frowning. his long black hair closed his dark blue eyes. in the last two years, he had grown unnecessarily in height. hinata shoyo crossed her arms over his chest. "you didn't have to take the trophy from me, kageyama-kun ~!"

kageyama tobio raised his eyebrows. ''of course, let me leave it to you, drop it on your feet and dribble for hours, isn't it, stupid? how a person's arms never get stronger for three years, i don't understand.''

"you have a milk box or something in place of the brain!" kageyama was about to put the heavy mug on hinata's head, while yachi turned and took the cup in kageyama's hand. "your actions do not suit a champion!"

hinata and kageyama bowed in front of yachi in embarrassment. the blonde girl giggled into this state of the two and motioned for them to get up. ‘’i am very happy that we came to the end in the best way possible. ''

despite being champions in the nationals, this sadness, which overcame the feelings of joy, filled the eyes of the three, while hinata breathed out with tears and returned to kageyama with tears. ‘’can you toss me some more?''

kageyama blinked his wet eyes and shook his head. as the two of them rushed towards an empty hall, yachi slowly followed behind them. after all, someone had to raise the ball for kageyama to toss.

she remembered a book she had read the other day while her white living shoes were beating the parquet floor. she remembered that one of the two friends had fallen ill and died before she could keep her promise to the other. this was not the only part that deeply affected her in the book she read. these two friends were finding each other in another life to keep their promises to each other.

yachi's mind inevitably went to her two friends. during the three years they spent together, the two fought back to back and never left no matter what. she recalled that after high school they both received offers from the same team. they weren't going to leave after all, but still that didn't keep yachi upset.

she smiled wrinkledly with another thought that came to her mind. perhaps, in a completely different life, hinata had lost his kageyama or kageyama had lost his hinata. in this life, where the nationals won and fought together to the end, they found each other to keep their promise.

while her warm but also resentful smile soaked a few drops of warm tears from her pink lips, she found the hall where the two were running and entered.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked my fanfiction, the last parts had reference of in another life by littleluxray. :)  
> im glad that we could finish this translation. it was tough.


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